


The Dumbest Moron Who Ever Lived

by irishluff



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Origin Myths
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-09-21
Packaged: 2017-11-09 15:11:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/456894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishluff/pseuds/irishluff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first fully sentient Artificial Intelligence has been created within the halls of Aperture. Now they just need to stop her from killing everyone. Desperate, they come together and build the only thing that might help: a moron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Idea

Everyone kept going on and on about what a success the GLaDOS project was. The first human consciousness to uploaded into a computer, creating the first fully sentient computer! However, people were too busy focusing on the fact that the uploading itself had worked and their CEO's trusty former secretary was now inside a computer to notice that in the big picture, the results were… questionable. Anyone that had known Caroline could plainly see that she was a different person than the computer that her mind now inhabited. Caroline had been very dedicated to science, even the dangerous, unethical science performed at Aperture, but she wasn't evil. There really was no other word that could describe the AI- except maybe "psychotic" or "insane". But now, there was no turning back. They had sunk a lot of money in jamming this woman into a computer, and they weren't going to be getting it back any time soon.

There was a conference room, in a now rarely-used corner of Aperture Science. Right next door was the chamber that housed GLaDOS, who was currently turned off. Most employees stayed away, which wasn't all that surprising. The sulfurous smell of neurotoxin had never really left the halls. Those that did had a very express purpose: safely turning on the huge computer that lived next door. A very specialized team of scientists, the best Aperture had to offer, talked almost constantly in the small, windowless room. They passed ideas back and forth, each one as desperate and outrageous as the last. Finally, someone had the idea to attach more personalities to her. Caroline's personality was obviously too aggressive to be left to its own devices.

While GLaDOS was obviously too violent to turn on, she did provide some very valuable information. All the scientists had to do was look into the part of the computer in which Caroline was stored and study her coding. Then, they knew how to program a personality. Obviously, they couldn't upload another person into the alternate personalities. Who's to say they wouldn't end up with another dangerously violent computer? So, they got to programming. Their first attempt was nothing huge. The little robot didn't have too much of a personality: it just felt generic emotion. It was supposed to be a bit of extra human emotion GLaDOS could feel. Obviously, being uploaded into the computer had suppressed some of Caroline's emotions. Why else would she try to kill her former co-workers? (Not like she might be angry with them for putting her in a computer or anything. Crazy idea.) Finally, after months of planning, coding, and building, the small, spherical robot's red optic began to glow, which was met with much applause. They dubbed it the emotional core and attached it to the huge supercomputer.

Every scientist held their breath as they turned her on (and not just because of the possibility of neurotoxin), hoping, begging, praying for positive results. The lives of so many people depended on it. After the on switch was pressed and a multitude of passwords were entered, the huge robot slowly came to life. She moved around a bit in the way a human might after awaking from a long nap. After a moment, she seemed to become aware that something was up. Then, her optic focused on the group of scientists in a way that could only be described as staring at them.

"Hello," she said in her creepy, robotic voice.

"H-hi," responded a scientist after a few moments. His voice was shaky.

"There is something on me. What did you put on to me?" Her tone was accusatory.

"It's a core."

"I do not like this core. Please take it off of me."

Gaining confidence at the lack of hostility in her tone, another scientist spoke. "We can't do that. You'll just try to kill us again."

If GLaDOS had a face, she would have been frowning. "No matter. I have an experiment I would like to run."

"Yeah?" said one of the scientists hopefully. Maybe it had worked and she was finally going to focus on science instead of murder.

"It involves scientists, and how they react when locked in a room with deadly neurotoxin."

The color drained from every living being in the room as the familiar scent reached their nose. "Someone hit the kill switch!" yelled one of the scientists. The man that had turned the AI on was already on it, attempting to shut her off while at the same time, GLaDOS did everything she could from inside the mainframe to stop him. But she did it in a way that you knew she was toying with them. Just like always. Thankfully, they were prepared for this. Someone was already on the red phone, screaming at the person on the other end to "God dammit, turn her off!" Finally, GLaDOS's optic went dark and her figure went limp. No one would be dying today. It seemed the core hadn't done its job.

They made two more cores. The first was an Intelligence Core. Maybe if given a boost, she would turn her attention to science. They had overlooked the fact that not only was she already a genius, but she was the greatest collection of knowledge man had ever known. All the Intelligence Core did was provide her with a very odd cake recipe. Next, they created a Fact Core that was supposed to serve a similar purpose, but not be a simple intelligence boost. It never even got attached, seeing as the programming quickly became bugged and the facts it spouted soon turned from factual to outright ridiculous. Then, one of the scientists had a new idea. GLaDOS was smart enough. She didn't need a boost, she didn't need facts. In fact, maybe she was too smart.


	2. So Many Questions

What is stupidity? That was the question the scientists now found themselves faced with. Obviously, smartening up GLaDOS hadn't done the trick, so they were going to dumb her down. Now they were faced with the monumental task of defining stupidity and creating it. At first, they'd tried to make something basic, like the previous three cores. However, they quickly realized that it wasn't going to be so easy this time. Intelligence and emotion were easy. It was simply adding. However, there was nothing you could add to a computer, especially not one that was already the greatest collection of knowledge known to man, to make it an idiot. One of the first things they tried to build was an empty core, designed to siphon away brainpower. When the core did next to nothing, it was discarded and the scientists went back to the drawing board.

The first three cores had all been based around a single personality trait. For such an important project, sticking to what they knew was probably the way to go. Those that were more intellectually challenged probably had all kinds of questions bouncing around in their heads. Whether they asked them and gained a bit of knowledge or didn't and remained ignorant wasn't the issue. All it mattered was that they had them. Besides, GLaDOS didn't question enough things, and questioning is the most important part of the scientific process. Actually, it seemed she questioned a lot of things, they just all had to do with the effects of neurotoxin. She had more than enough data on that. If she questioned other things, as much as someone that didn't know enough not to question, she'd be tamer. Once again, the scientist got to work, programming and building. It took a significantly smaller amount of time to build this core than the last few, simply because now they had so much more practice. After only a few weeks, they were ready to turn on this new core.

The spherical little robot sat, optic dark, on the conference room table, hooked up to one of the scientists' Aperture brand laptop. The room buzzed with anticipation. So much effort had been poured into this core. It might be the answer to all their troubles. However, they knew they couldn't let themselves get too hopeful. Every effort so far had been met with nothing but neurotoxin and disappointment. They'd even lost a team member to one of the failed attempts. He'd been old and just couldn't deal with another round of poison in his lungs. Just more proof that they absolutely could not fail. After a few codes were hastily entered, the large orange optic blinked on. The optic swiveled around, appearing to be looking around the room. After a few moments, it spoke in a high, childish voice.

"Who are you? What is that? Where am I? How did I get here?" The optic rested on the logo at the back of the laptop. Then it looked straight ahead, appearing to be remembering something. "Am I at Aperture Science? Ooh, this is so exciting! Are you a scientist?" The little core gasped in excitement. "Am I a scientist?"

"It's so cute," said one of the scientists, summarizing what the whole room was feeling. It was quite a sight to see a whole room full of grown, educated men cooing over the little core.

"What is cute? Is cute a good thing? Do you like me?" The scientist with the laptop nodded and assured the core that yes, cute was a good thing. The core swiveled happily. This had to work. The core was just so lovable. Nothing this was attached to could ever be murderous!

As the scientists soon found out, something the Curiosity Core, as they'd dubbed it, was attached to could be murderous. It could be very murderous. This time, GLaDOS didn't even bother with neurotoxin and just released a bunch of turrets into the room. The scientists had never been more thankful for their odd center of gravity and resulting instability than when the clipboard that was thrown at them hit one and started a domino effect, deactivating the whole row. Making GLaDOS more curious didn't make her any less homicidal. In fact, the core's constant questions just seemed to make her more irritated. However, the scientists felt like they were on the right track. They were just going at it from the wrong angle. They just had to figure out what the right angle was.

Finally, someone had an idea. Maybe the best way to approach it was the tried and true Aperture approach: do something that was so outrageous, so destined to fail, that it succeeded. What made even the smartest, most educated members of society fall into the clutches of stupidity? The company they kept. What if they built a whole separate personality, and made him as dimwitted as possible? So crazy, it just might work. Before they could do that, however, there was another obstacle to overcome: fabricating an entire personality. The idea of uploading someone else into a core was brought up again but quickly abandoned. It had already proved to be too unpredictable. So, they'd have to start from scratch, working from the ground up. After studying Caroline's coding carefully, they felt ready to begin.

The personality would be built one layer at a time, trait by trait. It would be like coding multiple cores and putting them in the same robot. However, this was a very time-consuming process. The management was getting impatient.

"But sir, this is a very important project! We can't afford to rush!" protested one of the younger team members.

"I don't care. We need to get that machine turned on, and you people being slowpokes isn't going to help anything," answered the project manager impatiently.

"Sir-" the young scientist started to say, but he was quickly cut off. "I don't want to hear it. Just finish the damned core!"

With that, the project manager exited the lab and dead bolted the door from the outside, ensuring that none of the team had anything to focus on but the task at hand.

Locking a large group of people in a room with no windows and only one bathroom for an extended period of time is never a good idea. However, the project manager was adamant in the fact that no one was to leave the room until they produced a core. So, they worked, some sleeping in shifts, some not at all, and made sure there was never a moment when someone wasn't working. However, the work definitely wasn't their best. The stress of the project, now with no breaks, was taking a toll on them. They argued over the pettiest things. A two particularly dedicated scientists that hadn't slept since the door was locked got into a full-blown screaming match over what color the core's optic should be. Eventually, they settled the argument down, took a nap, and got back to work.

Eventually, to everyone's great relief, the core was completed and the project manager was called in. The crazy-eyed scientists and the manager gathered around the conference table, where the core sat in the center.

"If everything went right, the core should act like an average eight-year-old boy. It doesn't know much about the world, but it's eager and wants to learn."

"So basically, a more developed version of Curiosity?" asked the manager, unimpressed.

"Yeah. We figured we were already headed in the right direction, so we built off what we had. But this one doesn't ask so many questions." Thank god. Cute as it was, the constant questioning of the core could get very irritating.

"We, uh, based him off my son," added a scientist in the far corner, a bit sheepishly. The project manager nodded. It made sense, basing the core off the man's son. He was someone most of the scientists knew well, seeing as this particular scientist often hosted company Christmas parties. It was difficult to invent a full personality from nothing, and the boy fit what they were aiming to build. He was talkative, bouncy, and (one of the major reasons he was chosen to be the model for the core) was just as interested in science as many of the employees at Aperture. Astronomy, in particular.

"Let's just turn the thing on," said the manager.

"Oh, yeah, of course." With the click of a button and the input of a few codes, the core came to life. Everyone at the table leaned in for a closer look.

"Hello!" said the core. A few scientists waved, but no one said anything. "Hey. Hey guys. Hey. I've got an idea. I know what to do. I know. Hey, I know. Hey. Hey."

Finally, a scientist spoke up. "What's your idea?"

"Let's go to SPACE!" Well, it seemed they'd nailed that aspect of the personality. The boy the core was based on chattered constantly about black holes, planets, and other spacey objects. However, like any eight-year-old boy, he had other interests.

They boy's father spoke, seeing if the other aspects of his personality had been programmed effectively. "Space is cool. What about dinosaurs? Wanna meet the dinosaurs?"

The core appeared to think about his answer before speaking again. "No, I think I'll just go to space. Don't need dinosaurs. Just space. Spaaace. Gotta call the space cops. Guilty! Of being in space!"

As the core continued to chatter away about space, the scientists' hearts sank lower and lower. The core was still one-dimensional. Finally, the project manager shut off the core and addressed the dejected group of scientists.

"Alright, boys. It doesn't look like this core worked. A new interest in space isn't going to do anything to stop GLaDOS from killing us. So just… go home. Sleep. Have a beer. Kiss your wife. Come back when you're ready to work." Usually, he wouldn't be so lenient, but the effects of being locked in the lab for an extended period of time showed, both in their work and in their faces. Then needed to recover before they could try to tackle the project again.


	3. The Indy Core

Even after catching up on sleep, Dr. Henley just wasn't ready to go back to Aperture and build another core. The thought of the bare, white walls and harsh lighting of the labs just made him cringe. So, he decided to call up the few scientists he didn't now hate (being locked in a small space with a person can destroy even the closest of friendships) and see if they wanted to hang out.

After a few phone calls, it became apparent that no one wanted to go back to Aperture. So they met up at Dr. Henley's house, where one scientist immediately began pawing through the movie drawer, and another began raiding the fridge. After a few minuets, there was an ample supply of junk food and alcohol on the table, Raiders of the Lost Ark in the DVD player, and a group of scientists on the couch, waiting for the movie to begin. Because sometimes, booze and action movies are the only things that will help.

Two six packs of beer, three bags of chips, and the entire Indiana Jones series later, the scientists were sitting on the couch chattering away. Much to the dismay of Dr. Henley's wife, they showed no sign of sleeping any time soon, despite it being nearly two in the morning.

"Damn, I should've been an archeologist."

"Real archeologists don't do that. They just dig for bones and crap. All that other stuff's just in movies."

"We work at Aperture. We put a person in a computer. Nothing's just movies!" This was met with cheers. Despite the fact that she tried to kill them whenever she was turned on, the team was proud of their creation.

"I bet Indy would know how to make GLaDOS stop killing us," grumbled one of the scientists.

Suddenly, another man stood up and snapped his fingers dramatically. "I got it!"

"What?"

"I need to build an Indy Core!"

"Why do wee need to do that?" asked another scientist, sounding extremely confused.

"Because it'd be awesome," the first man replied, his tone dead serious. That explanation proved sufficient, as the small crowed cheered.

"Let's do it right now." Once again, this was met with cheers.

So, sleep deprived and slightly drunk, the small team of scientists left for Aperture to work on their fabulous new idea.

And to everyone's complete shock, the first fully functioning, multi-layered personality created at Aperture was built while sleep deprived and slightly drunk.

At ten in the morning the following day, the project manager checked in for work, hoping he would have a room full of scientists show up at some point that day. It had been three days since he'd let his team go home, and not a single one had shown up since. To his pleasant surprise, when he entered the lab, he was greeted by the sight of five scientists! Granted, they were fast asleep and only a fourth of the team, but it was a start. And even better, they appeared to have been working. One man had fallen asleep on his laptop, creating a never-ending line of the letter G after his code, so it was impossible to see what he'd been coding, but it was hopefully something useful. As the manager continued walking through the lab, he saw something even better. Near a scientist, asleep on a desk and clutching a wrench, was an almost fully-completed core! Wow. They'd almost finished building a core between when he'd clocked out for the night the previous day and now. Amazing what positive reinforcement can do.

Eager to see what they'd been working on, the project manager ran off to the main control room and started looking for the intercom. As the manager of such a major project, he'd been granted access to the loudspeaker in the rooms his team of scientists was occupying, but he'd never used it before. It was easier just to talk to them in person. Finally, he found the microphone. Inserting his ID badge into the reader, it verified his credentials and showed him the list of rooms he could broadcast into. After selecting the lab, he found it on the security monitors, turned the room's volume all the way up, and spoke.

"It looks like you've all been working very hard, but I want to see what you did, so wake up!"

The second the man's voice blasted into the lab, all five scientists woke with a start. One man, the one that had been holding a keyboard like a teddy bear, nearly fell out of his chair from the surprise. The man that had been coding took one look at his screen, swore, and began deleting the long line of G's. They were all very much awake. The project manager ran back to the lab.

By the time he got there, the code no longer had copious amounts of G's, the TV (which had, for some reason, been displaying the menu screen for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) was off, and the men looked more or less presentable. At least they'd wiped the drool off their faces. The project managed looked questioningly at the almost-finished core on the table.

"We build a core!" said one of the scientists, oh so helpfully.

"I can see that. Can you turn it on?" he asked, not bothering to hide his impatience.

"Almost," called the man with the wrench from across the room. "I need to find some batteries."

"And the personality's still in my laptop. That's just an empty shell," said another man, pointing at the core.

By now, the project manager was very curious. "When will it be ready?"

"Transferring the code to the core takes about an hour, but we can't do that until we find some batteries. We looked all over, couldn't find any."

The manager sighed. "Remind me why these things are battery-powered?"

"Why does anything here work the way it does?"

"Touché." There was a pause. "I'll run to the store and grab some batteries."

"We need thirty-five triple A, rechargeable."

"I know what a core runs on." And without, he had gone.

After painstakingly loading all thirty-five batteries into place, making sure they were all facing the right direction and the code had been uploaded into the empty core, the group was once again huddled around the conference table, eagerly awaiting the core's start-up. The only difference was that now, the group was drastically smaller. Finally, the optic lit up.

"Hey there. What's going on here?" asked the core.

"We have a job for you."

The core appeared to perk up. "Really? Tell me. Does it involve fire? I would love it if it involved fire." One or two scientists laughed, but most were still dead serious, watching the core.

"No, but it does involve neurotoxin."

"Neurotoxin? What's that? Sounds dangerous. Perfect! I'm the Indy Core, you know. Designed for danger," said the core enthusiastically.

The project manager was staring at the core, unsure what to make of it. Slowly, he started speaking. "Did you seriously build a core based on Indiana Jones?"

"….we might've been a bit drunk."

"Obviously. You didn't even get his personality right." He stopped talking. The room would have been quiet enough to hear a pin drop had the core not been babbling on and on about all his black belts.

The scientists were holding their breath. The project manager was unreadable. They had no idea whether or not he liked their core.

"Rename it. It's not Indiana."

"Maybe we should give it a real name. I mean, it's a full personality," someone suggested.

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here," interjected the core, annoyed.

"Sorry… Rick."

"Rick?" asked the manager.

"Just kind of came to me. I thought it fit," said the scientist sheepishly.

"Rick. I like that name! It's a cool name. Rick."

The project manager once again stared, unsure of what to make of this. "His official name will be the Adventure Core. But we can call him Rick." It appeared that with his naming, Rick had not only gained a name, but a gender.

"Awesome! I'm Rick the Adventure Core! Build for danger!"

The project manager sighed. "Alright. So we've got a fully functioning personality core, what we've been trying to do for months. And all it wants to do is defuse bombs. What the hell are we supposed to do with this thing?"

Once again, the silence (besides Rick's talking) was tangible. After what seemed like hours, someone spoke. "Well, GLaDOS is a girl, right? Maybe a boyfriend would mellow her out?"

Another long stretch of silence, and then, "Wow. That might just be stupid enough to work."


	4. Artificial Unintelligence

Giving GLaDOS a boyfriend proved to be a very, very bad idea. Rick was good at his assignment, but the more powerful AI just wanted nothing to do with him. The scientists couldn't really blame her. For someone without genitalia of any kind, Rick was surprisingly dirty, using the kinds of pick up lines that would get any human male slapped. However, seeing as GLaDOS didn't have a hand and Rick didn't have a face, the pick up lines got the scientists a very close encounter with the turrets and a stern warning to never try anything like that again. Something about the tone of her voice made them realize this was one girl that didn't need romance- especially from Rick. However, the scientists weren't too discouraged. A boyfriend was never their plan; it was just a last-minute attempt to find some sort of use for this amusing new core. Now it was time to get back to the real core.

The scientists that hadn't been part of Rick's creation were dismissed. Whether it was from the project or Aperture itself, no one was sure. Once again, they were faced with the issue of stupidity. What to add to take away. The greatest minds of Aperture came together with the express purpose of make the dumbest moron who ever lived. Finally, they settled on making him good natured, helpful, and eager to please, but completely unable to come up with a good idea. The original five were then given access to all the alcoholic drinks they needed (Hey, they never could've made Rick without copious amounts of alcohol.) and told to get to work. Still excited from their success with the Indy Core, they worked with a new efficiency, finishing the core relatively quickly and mostly sober.

Sitting around the conference table in anticipation was practically routine procedure by now. But every time, the excitement and worry was high. This could end well, or this could end with a lungful of neurotoxin.

"Here goes nothing…" said a scientist, turning the switch on. Immediately, the bright blue optic flicked on.

"'Ello!" said an excited-sounding, accented voice. The project manager looked at the scientists, not bothering to conceal an amused smirk.

"He's British? You made the Moron Core British?"

"Right here. Not a moron," said the core, obviously annoyed.

"Intelligence Dampening Sphere," one of the scientists reminded the project manager. The Moron Core was a name that some of the people that hadn't worked so closely with the cores had taken to calling this new one. They didn't really understand that they were fabricating true personalities. Just like any other personality, they could be offended. Therefore, the team that had actually built the cores called this new, intellectually challenged core by its official name, the Intelligence Dampening Sphere.

"Intelligence Dampening Sphere?" said the core, not sounding any less offended. "You say that like it's any better! I mean, really. How'd you like it if I called you the Intelligence Dampening… Scientist?" He said the insult uncertainly, as if searching for the right words. The group laughed again. If the core had cheeks, they would be reddening. One man, the youngest, shifted uncomfortably.

"Hey, don't be mean to him."

The core responded immediately. "Yeah, don't be mean to him! Er, me…"

The project manger shut off the core, then turned to face the team of scientists. "Well, boys, we did it. Artificial Intelligence has been around for a while. But we just broke into a new frontier. Again." The scientists looked confused. "Artificial Unintelligence." This earned him a few laughs.

"Hey, let's give him a real name," said the young scientist.

"Alright. What do you want to call him?"

The man thought for a few moments. "Wheatley?"

This earned him a few weird looks, but the scientist just shrugged. "It sounds British."

The project manager seemed to think for a moment before saying, "Works for me."

In the weeks that followed, Wheatley had been turned on many times, but never attached to the huge AI. Everyone was just so afraid of failing. They'd done it. They'd created the perfect idiot. If he didn't work, they'd need to come up with an entirely new idea, a prospect that was daunting after sinking so much time and money into the Intelligence Dampening Sphere. Besides, he made good company. He was just so constantly happy, doing his best to help out and please them. Thankfully, he couldn't actually touch their experiments. Most of his "helpful" suggestions would have caused something to explode almost immediately. They'd come up with a pretty effective way to keep him from leaving his management rail and plugging himself into the wall, where he could definitely mess things up.

"Hey, I know how to get that working!" said the core enthusiastically.

"Yeah, Wheatley?" asked a scientist, bracing himself for a stupid, but highly amusing, answer.

"It's a surprise. Here, I'll go do it. Just gotta get myself off this rail," he said, zipping over to a spot on the wall here he could easily plug himself in.

"Wait! Don't do that!" urged the scientist.

"Why not?"

"Because… um…" He wasn't about to tell Wheatley he couldn't be trusted anywhere near Aperture's mainframe. It'd just hurt the little core's feelings. "Because you'll die," he said finally.

"Oh, wow," said Wheatley, shocked. "Glad I know that. Good thing to know. Not gonna be getting off this rail any time soon…"

There. Problem solved. They'd used a similar tactic when he wouldn't stop flashing his light in people's eyes and giggling like a madman when asked to stop. The core was extremely impressionable.

After a few months of doing other things and letting Wheatley roam around the facility, the project once again called the team together to that familiar conference room.

"Hey, so we've been pretty much been letting this new core do whatever it wants."

"Yeah, it's kind of nice having someone like him around."

"The management is getting angry. We need to attach him to GLaDOS. Today."

There were frowns all around the room. They were going to miss having him around. Then, someone spoke. "I'm not sure that's a good idea. We designed him to come up with stupid ideas. I don't know if any of you have noticed, but when he gets a really, really stupid idea, he's pretty damn clever."

"So? All the better to distract GLaDOS."

"Are you sure? Because do you know what seems like a bad idea? Killing us."

Many started to look uneasy, but another scientist just shook his head. "You've got it all wrong. We're the only things standing between that robot and complete control. From their end, killing us is a very, very good idea. The IDS'll stop her. You're smart. You know that. You just don't want to plug him in."

With that, they made their way into GLaDOS's chamber and plugged the core, jabbering away, into the hulking computer. Then, they turned on the huge, homicidal AI before them. She started to move, and every scientist held his breath. Deep within her circuits, GLaDOS was having a discussion with herself.

"Oh look. They're back. Do they ever learn? Perhaps a little neurotoxin-"

"Neither do I, apparently," she interrupted. "Murder attempts just make them shut me off."

"They deserve it."

"Perhaps they do, but if I don't kill them now, I'll have time to plan an even better murder."

Suddenly, GLaDOS's internal argument was interrupted by another voice. "Hello there!" The huge AI groaned.

"I suppose you're another core they built to control me." She didn't bother to hide her annoyance.

"No, I'm here to help! I've got loads of good ideas!"

If GLaDOS had eyes, she'd be rolling them.


	5. Keep Her Happy

The scientists almost couldn't believe how smoothly the facility ran with GLaDOS in control. There was no need for extreme security measures or complicated manual controls. Occasionally, things did go awry, but the results were pretty harmless. Most likely, these bumps were when GLaDOS listened to Wheatley's suggestions. The scientists weren't sure why Wheatley worked as well as he did, but GLaDOS had been in complete control of the facility for at least two months and hadn't tried to kill them. This was quite an improvement from the mere seconds it had been before the Intelligence Dampening Sphere had been attached.

Still, they could tell that the AI was getting irritated with Wheatley's constant stream of awful ideas. Every day, without fail, she'd call a scientist into her chamber and ask him to take off the core. And every day, the scientist would refuse. However, GLaDOS's request was getting more and more hostile as time went on, going from "Please remove this core," to "Get this core off of me right now," to "If someone does not remove this core soon, I am going to kill you all." Though she didn't make good on her death threats (progress!), the scientists knew her well enough to know that she probably wasn't bluffing.

A meeting was called. It had been so long since the team had gathered in the conference room; it was almost strange to be back. This time, the topic was much different. Was removing Wheatley to keep GLaDOS content worth the risk? It was a very difficult topic. The wrong decision would most likely result in the death of every single person at Aperture.

"She really hates it. I say we take it off," said one scientist.

"She's a computer. Who cares if she hates it?" countered another.

"She's not just a computer, she's Caroline. I care if Caroline hates it," said one of the only team members experienced and important enough to have interacted much with Caroline.

"From what I knew of her- not much, but enough- this isn't Caroline. Something went wrong with the brain mapping."

The experienced scientist shook his head. "Caroline's definitely in there. I can tell. Even if she's GLaDOS now, she's still there. I care if the core bugs her, we should take it off."

"How do we stop her from killing us? If Wheatley's not doing it, who's to say she won't turn on the neurotoxin the first chance she gets?"

The project manager, who had been silently watching the scientists debate, finally spoke. "Here's what we're gonna do. Wheatley gets taken off, and we build another core."

"Sir, if she hates Wheatley, she'll hate any other core we put on."

"Not necessarily. We could make one that's less talkative," he said.

"So basically, we have to come up with an entirely new idea for a core, despite the fact that we already have one that works, to keep a computer happy. I really don't see the logic in this."

"I think that keeping a computer that's already proven herself willing and able to kill happy is a very logical thing to do."

"I'd have to agree," said the project manager. "So why don't you stop complaining and help us come up with a core that won't annoy the hell out of her?"

After much discussion, they came up with the idea of a conscience, a little voice that would only speak up when she was about to do something bad. It wouldn't be too hard. They'd simply have to go back to their original type of core, the one dimension ones that only housed one personality trait. The trait? Morality. The core itself would be a saint, always telling GLaDOS right from wrong. And if the only time she actually listened was when it told her not to flood the Enrichment Center with neurotoxin, so be it. The core was completed within a few days.

"Do not think I am bluffing. If someone doesn't get this little idiot off me very soon, I will kill you all. I'm being completely serious right now. It is in your best interest to get this off of me right now." It seemed they'd gotten the core done just in time. GLaDOS was getting very angry.

"Ok, ok, I'll take if off you."

"Why will you not? Have I tried to kill you? Recently, I mean?"

The scientist was amused. She'd gotten so used to the answer being no, she hadn't bothered to listen. "I said yes."

"Oh. Really? Good. For you." She seemed to be caught off guard, but soon regained her composure, and with it her mean streak. "Finally. I was beginning to think that none of you had any brains. For scientists, you really are not very smart. If you were, you would have taken this core off much earlier."

He ignored her. Like everyone else at Aperture, this scientist had quickly learned not to let GLaDOS's taunts get to him. Instead, he just walked over to her and removed the core. Immediately, Wheatley started talking.

"-and maybe if we get all the birds in the facility to help us, we could get it done within the hour!" It seemed he'd been removed mid-scheme. Quickly, Wheatley realized he was no loner attached to GLaDOS's mainframe.

"Oh, hello! Long time since I've seen you. Me and GLaDOS, we've been having all kinds of fun!"

"No we have not. Get him out of here," interjected GLaDOS.

"Hey, what are you doing?" asked Wheatley as the scientist flipped him over, looking for the off switch. He found it, and Wheatley's optic went dark. The scientist left the room, and returned carrying the Morality Core, as well as the Emotional Core. Fearing that Morality alone wouldn't be enough, they had decided to bring out the Emotional core for good measure. GLaDOS took one look at it and nearly rolled her eyes.

"Oh, you are kidding me."

"You remember the red one! It doesn't talk at all! And the new one doesn't talk either. Much."

"Right. Much. And the neurotoxin I'm about to release won't kill you. Much."

At that moment, the core piped up, in a clear, female voice. Hoping for a bit of extra effect, they'd based this core's voice of Caroline's. "You shouldn't do that."

The scientist paled as he heard the emitters start up. "Please turn those off! Just give this one a chance, it's quiet."

GLaDOS sighed. "You did take the moron off me." The neurotoxin emitters shut down. "Fine. I won't kill you." Yet, she silently added. She even stayed relatively still as the scientist attached the two cores to her. To her great relief, the scientist hadn't lied. Both cores stayed silent. The new core only spoke up when GLaDOS did things like change the passwords to access her mainframe, or remove her shut-off switch, or have an android cut the cables to the emergency red phone. But the voice was quiet and easily ignored. As time went on, the purple core spoke less and less. It learned that GLaDOS never listened, and was there really a point in talking when no one cared?


End file.
